lake Thoughts on extract of my story?

Well, you have a great vocabulary, but does the character? You have to put yourself in there shoes, you kind of keep switching form, what perspective are you telling this from, her's? Then you have to think like her, and her age. Also you must learn what tense are you writing in, you are not keeping that constant either. All in all, this seems pretty good, please tell me the rest of your story. You can contact me at sadieraecollins@yahoo.com (This is not my real name, just letting any pervs know ahead of time)there